Memories
by Royalistic
Summary: A collection of drabbles, songfics and mini fics. Mostly J&G but there are other characters aswell. Please R&R!
1. Authors note

**Authors Note:**

All characters belong to ITV. Not me. I wish.

All songs will be credited on the appropriate parts. Which, as yet are unknown.

All parts are completely independent, and any continuity points will be mentioned in the relevant parts.

Also… I'll add comments as and when I think relevant.


	2. Possessionless

Cool, calm, confident, together. That's how people see me. They think I have it all. A job with authority and respect, a husband and 3 fantastic children.  
That's gone now. It was all taken from me. Everything.  
I've never felt so humiliated. People that I knew, respected and liked, staring at me, discussing my future. My options.  
Now I don't know who I am. The one thing that defined me has been taken. Standing here, not knowing who I am anymore.  
I walk down the corridor, people stopping and staring. Talking about me quietly.  
I felt exposed, humiliated. Bare. Like I have nothing to offer to anyone. Which is true. I don't. Not anymore. I'm not the person people think I am. I'm probably not who Gordon fell in love with.

I lost something important that night. Lost it and there's no way of getting it back. I can't just do something and expect it to come back. Because I know it never will.  
Could say that I'm damaged now. Damaged forever.  
I keep asking myself if Gordon will still want me. He was so keen to start a family. And now I can't give him that, and it hurts. It hurts like I can't breathe.

People expect me to carry on like nothing ever happened. I can't do that. It happened and I'm never going to get over it. It'll always be there. Haunting me.  
I try to carry on. Thought going back would be a good thing. Keep my mind focussed on other things.  
And it did. Until it caught up with me.  
I'm not as strong as people like to think. The mask I've been hiding behind is rapidly wearing off.  
Soon people will see the real me.  
People can see right through me, and I won't have anything to hide behind anymore.

People are trying to shield me from reality. Restricting what I do. Thinking it will be easier for me. Not knowing that I'll have to face it sooner or later.  
I can't stop panicking. Worrying. I shouldn't be like this. I'm a doctor. I have to stay calm. I make mistakes and people die. I thought I could handle it.  
I have nothing to offer anyone. The things I kept hidden away from the world now on show for the whole world to see. Like some public attraction.  
Now I'm possessionless.


	3. The Broken Fairytale

The Broken Fairytale.

**Continuity: ** Set during Compromising positions (series 7 ep 12) Set during the second Jill and Nick conversation.

**Song: **

**Comment: **Jill and Nick, hint of Gordonness. Some lines are from the conversation itself, thanks to ITV.

"I should have allowed myself more time to grieve for what I lost really," Jill said, wiping a tear from her already red eyes.

"I'm sorry Jill. You spoken to Gordon?" Nick asked, looking at her with _that_ sympathetic look. The same look was also very good at getting answers.

"Yes. We've talked. Poured our hearts out on more than one occasion. I tell him what he wants to hear. He thinks it's all ok. He thinks we're fine. He thinks I'm fine. I.. I don't want him to see me as weak"

Nick couldn't help but give her _that_ look again. The 'I'm listening and It's ok' look.

" Hence the crusade for premature babies? It's your way of dealing with things?" All Jill could do was look at him, thinking, dreaming.

"All the specialist units in the world.. I'm never going to have another baby am I?"

"I'm so sorry Jill"

"It's never going to happen. It's all he ever wanted. A family. A proper family. It was our dream. Well.. Mainly his. It's what he wanted. And I can't give it to him." She looked over at Nick, who smiled sympathetically. He barely knew her. Yet somehow her words had touched him, in a way he'd never imagined. He knew she had this side to her, but had never thought he'd see it infrront of him.

She tried to fight back the tears, knowing that Gordon's general surgical ward should get the money. He saved her life. He meant everything.

"This is such a generous bequest I think it is up to us to make the most of it don't you?" She asked, again fighting back the tears. Nick nodded, smiling. It didn't take long for him to work her out.

"Jill… if I've upset you… I didn't mean…" Jill smiled, albeit with a tinge of sadness.

"It's ok. Really" She replied, knowing that Nick didn't mean to. After all, he'd only known her for a short time. Yet they got on well. She liked him, trusted his judgement. Trusted him.

"Just promise me one thing"

"What's that?" Jill asked, curious of what Nick was going to ask.

"Talk to Gordon. He should know exactly how you're feeling. Or… I could for you." Jill shook her head.

"No… I'll do it. He deserves that much"

"Yes… he does. I'll speak to him later" Jill said, realizing what the time was.

"I'd best be getting back" Jill said, getting up and walking back into the hospital, Nick still sitting there, watching her walk away.

I wonder if she will speak with him. If only there was something more I could do to help. She walked off ok, so maybe talking helped. Maybe she's feeling better now.


	4. The one I love

The one I love

**Continuity: **No Room for Ravers (series 4 ep 3)

**Song: **The one I love- David Gray

**Comments:** From Jill's POV. Songfic. All original.

Gonna close my eyes  
Gonna watch you go.  
Running through this life, darling  
Like a field of snow

So. There I was, my whole life mapped out, just like that. Of course I'd never thought of anything like that before, I just took it a day at a time. Sounded right.  
It all started on a warm October morning. Nothing special, same as every other day really., just like an ordinary day. Went to work, nothing special there, same old people, only halfway into the shift did everything change….  
What happened next was sketchy, but all I do remember was standing outside casualty, talking to an Ambulance Driver. Everything started spinning, faster and faster until it was like being in a whirlpool. I could hear voices, but I couldn't tell who they belonged to. I could've been imaging them for all I know. It felt like it was falling, everything merging into one, I couldn't pick out who was there, or where I was anymore. Then everything went black.

I honestly don't know what happened, and I don't know what happened next either. It felt like I was freefalling into nothingness, but there were people, shouting, yet I couldn't tell whom the voices belonged too. It was peculiar. I know these people yet when I'm in this state of…nothingness I can't tell who's who. I don't know where I am, what day it is even, my mind seems to have gone blank, and there's nothing I can do about it. Or at least I don't think so.

These things I might have said  
only wish I could  
Now I'm leaking life faster  
than I'm leaking blood.

Now they're shouting my name, calling me, but I can't respond. There's nothing there anymore. My minds gone completely blank, and that's all down to this state of nothingness that I seem to be suspended in. Suspended, just hanging there, wanting someone to get me down and tell me it's going to be alright. I feel like I'm starting to drift away, my resolve being broken down piece by piece, and soon there'll be nothing left. Nothing left except memories. Hang on a second, I'm not ready to go yet, there's so much I haven't done in my life, like having a family, running the show, things like that. I've already accomplished one thing, which is getting married, though, and I couldn't have wished for a better husband.

_Tell the reaper man, and the stars above.  
That you're the one I love, you're the one I love, the one I love._

I want to see him. I do I want him here incase something happens. I might come out of this nothingness and go back into his world, where all my friends are, in my comfort zone, so to speak. I'm not ready to give up on this world yet…even though it hasn't always been nice to me. Still. I guess this black nothingness protects me from the reality of what's happening on the outside. The feeling of slowly fading away, albeit against my wishes. There's still so much shouting. Someone's holding onto me.

I can only guess who. I can only guess it's him, and it's him I have to hold on for.

We can twist and shout,  
do the turtle dove,  
and the you're the one I love. You're the one I love, the one I love


	5. Life during wartime

**Continuity: **During Against All Odds (series 7 ep 1)

Song –

**Comment**- Completely original. Love the stories/ poetry written during WW1. Almost like a dream sequence.

The trenches. A lonely place. Full of anticipation. Full of fear. Unbearable suspense, knowing if you go over the top, you may never be the same again. Dodging anything that might lie in your path. Rescuing your stranded comrade, only finding they're rooted. Unable to move. Deafened to all the chaos around them.

The battlefield was becoming crowded now. Full of people, none of whom she knew, or recognised.

Waiting nervously for instructions. Only the deafness prevented her from hearing, and fully understanding.

She was going in unarmed. Nothing.

He hadn't emerged. Popped his head out, but nothing. Leaving her to wander alone, through the carnage.

Rest was a long way off. Proper rest, that is. Salvation. Never a resolution.

Never the closure she so desperately searched for.

The dust had yet to settle. The serenity of No man's land looking tempting. She knew what it meant if she was to cross the line.

There may not be a way back.

But she wasn't there yet. If ever.

There was a storm brewing. The sky getting angrier and angrier. The fighting continuing, with no victory in sight. Armistice day was a long way off.

Yet he hadn't launched himself. Actions, he thought could cure everything, but, to her, were meaningless.

The talks were slowly failing. She wanted one thing, which was peace, and, on the other side, was Gordon, planning his next move.

Suffocating in his words, she retreated. Back to the border, where it was considered safe.

Waiting for someone to save her. Yet the chaos surrounding her was choking her. The constant barrage. The threat of enemy fire was all too frightening. The possibility of getting shot down. There may not be a way back from that.

She tried hard to not let her weakness show. Weak people were open to attack. Weak people were discarded.

Only the strong remained. They kept going. Kept fighting and lived to see another day. The weak ones fell. Sometimes spectacularly.

She still stood there, rooted to the spot. Waiting for him to save her. Waiting for someone. Anyone.

She watched as the sky turned black, and rain began falling heavily, littering the battlefields with small puddles, some forming to make lakes, rivers.

Yet still she stood, silent, rooted. Waiting. Drowning.

No man's land was a lonely place, having claimed so many victims before.


	6. My Best Friend's Girl

**Comment: **This is **My best friend's girl.** It's centered on **Jill and Nick. **

**And no. There is no cheating. Purely fantasy.**

**Song is My Best Friend's girl, by Steps.**

Nick couldn't help it. There was someone he liked. _Really_ liked. Only he knew he would never have her.

For she was already married. To his best friend, a trusted colleague.

It stated out innocently enough. First there were looks. He'd occasionally watch her work. Smile with her.

I know it's wrong and he's a friend,  
Someday it's got to end.

He knew it was wrong. He knew he'd never have her. If Gordon ever found out, he'd be out.

Yet something attracted him to her. Her presence, her calming voice. Her bedside manner could never be bettered. The ability to negotiate her way out of trouble, never raising her voice once. She was secretly idolised by some of the nurses.

It'd all have to end sometime. Her relationship with Gordon was rocky, but nothing would split them up.

**If he knew, the thought of us,**

**It'd break his heart until forever**

He was oblivious. No idea. At the moment it was nothing. She didn't know of Nick's feelings. She just thought he was being friendly. Which, he was. The looks. The conversation. He enjoyed her company. He learnt from her.

Gordon thought the world of her, and nothing could split them. The simple fact they'd been through so much, made Nick realise he was fighting a losing battle.

**I wish I never fell,**

**For my best friends girl,**

**It's got to end,**

**This ain't no way to treat a friend**

Some days he'd avoid her. Not speak to her just in case he told her everything. She was never one to get cross, or raise her voice. Could simply dismiss Nick's confession as a joke.

He considered his options. There were only two he could consider seriously. Either, tell Jill, and hope she didn't tell Gordon, or leave. The other option, was to carry on as normal. After all, it was only innocent signs. Nothing to obvious.

It was Gordon he was most scared of. He had a nasty temper on him, and could shout loud enough, so that the rest of the hospital could hear. They'd given him a chance. Taken him on and made him a partner. A position of responsibility. The fact he had a slight crush on his best friend's wife, was a damaging blow.

**I wish I never fell,**

**For my best friend's girl.**


	7. The night before Christmas

The night before Christmas.

It was the night before Christmas. The children were tucked up in bed, waiting for Father Christmas to arrive, and see what presents lay under the tree.

Gordon had put Aisling and Jonathan to bed, the other tow having gone on their own. It was to be Aisling's first Christmas, so they wanted to make it special. Jonathon, Katie and Tom were all excited, and were looking forward to Christmas day.

He heard singing coming from the living room. Inching closer, he discovered it was Jill, singing quietly to herself, and aswell as placing all the carefully wrapped presents under the tree. She hadn't noticed him, yet he didn't want to disturb her. He hadn't seen her this happy and content for a long time. She rarely sang at home, so it was a treat when she did. Occasionally she'd sing to Jonathon or Aisling when they tried to settle them for the night, when soothing words and mobiles failed. So, he just hovered in the doorway, watching, listening and smiling as she carried on placing presents, quietly singing 'silent night' as she did so.

He daren't disturb her, so just carried on hovering, waiting till she finished. In no way rushing her. He enjoyed watching her. It was soothing after a busy day at work, and a perfect end to a year, which in some ways they'd rather forget.

There was a time, when Gordon wondered if she'd live to see Christmas. The odds were stacked against her, but rule breaking and bravery brought her back. Sheer bravery. But, in the time it took for Mr Rose to arrive, he wondered if she'd live to see Christmas, a thought which haunted him for a couple of months after. So he was now in no rush. She defied the odds and fought back. So, for him, this Christmas was very special.

He'd bought her something really special. A white gold chain, which had really taken his eye. He'd been hiding it from her for months, and he couldn't wait to see her open it. To him, it was the perfect present. She deserved perfection. He was oblivious to what Jill had bought him, but, given he nearly lost her a few months ago, her health mattered. Good health was all he wanted.

It was 20 minutes before she noticed him. Still standing in the doorway, smiling.

"How long have you been there?" Jill asked, surprised. "You've been watching me haven't you?"  
"Been here long enough" Gordon started. "Didn't want to disturb you." Jill smiled, pulling the angel out of the box.  
"Oh." Jill said, watching Gordon carefully place the small box under the tree. "Want to help me with this?"  
"Yeah... You can reach the top. Can't you?" Gordon questioned.  
"Could really do with some help" Jill said, dropping a subtle hint. "Any chance you could....?" Gordon held one side and Jill the other. Together they put the angel on the top of the tree, where she sat proudly.  
"Merry Christmas Dr Weatherill" Gordon said, with that flirty tone he saved for special occasions.  
"And to you Dr Ormerod. I do love you" Jill said, yawning. He couldn't stop smiling. He was interrupted by Jill yawning again.  
"Early night??" Gordon asked, looking around at Jill's handiwork. "Think we're all done for tonight."  
"Ok. Merry Christmas" Jill whispered, kissing him on the cheek before dashing upstairs. He watched her go, knowing that tomorrow would be special.  
After all, she deserved perfection.


	8. And so I pray

A/N. Oh. My. Word. It's been ages… and to be honest I've missed writing. So much has happened. Too much.

Fic is my release. Some party, some hide away, some scream into a pillow. Me… I write. And I have a lot to share.

So enjoy.

Xx

She leant back onto her office door, tired, exhausted. It was one of those days. One where home time couldn't come fast enough. One where every chance she got she'd watch the clock. Hoping it'd soon be time to go home. However the constant clock watching made time go slower… and home time seemed that further away.

A lot had happened. She'd broken bad news to one couple, been moaned at by the new administrator, who, compared to Adam, was a nightmare. Add to that an aggressive patient, who happened to be hers… and you can understand why she wanted to get home.

She wanted to desperately get away. Walk out of those doors, back into reality. Just escape to somewhere she could forget. Attempt to put the day's events behind her.

Gordon had been in and out. Out mostly.

Escaping wasn't really an option. She had to stay. For Gordon. He was, to her anyway, the only reason right now.

She was in pain. So much pain at times it crippled her. The burden she carried around day after day. Which, as time progressed got heavier and heavier. The burden she was desperate to get rid of. The agony of knowing she could no longer have the one thing she wanted. The idea of having a family was over before it even begun. The idea of watching their child grow up. Their first smile, first laugh, first steps. They wanted all that.

She'd felt like she'd let him down. They were devastated. The grief tearing them apart. Gordon threw himself into work. Jill hid away, crying into a glass of wine most evenings.

And tonight, she felt, would be no different. It was her release.

Sliding down the door, sitting in a slumped way on the floor, she finally admitted defeat. The long hours finally getting the better of her.

She desperately wanted it all to go away. To wake up and find everything the way it should be.

Every night she'd pray. Question why them. Why now?

"…._I can't do this anymore…. I'm tired and I've had enough. I'm so tired… And so I pray…" _Jill whispered, hoping no one would hear her.

_And so.. I pray. Jill whispered, taking a deep breath before getting unsteadily to her feet. She had an idea. To her it was an escape. To Gordon it was a desperate cry for help. _

"_No I can't go, but I don't want to stay."_


	9. What about now?

Comment: Set after series 5 episode 10. Jill's just told Gordon about Adam's job proposition. Gordon's not happy, an Jill's confused.

To her it sounded perfect. A new challenge, regular hours at a larger hospital doing something she specialised in.

To him it was a shock. Something he'd not expected. He had it all figured out. Never dreamt Jill would want to leave.. And let her beloved hospital close.

Adam had questioned why she hadn't signed the petition. Gordon had said she simply hasn't had time, but judging by Adam's reaction, he had reason to doubt her. He didn't know at that point Adam had attempted to lure Jill away, offered her what could be called her dream position. Something she'd been working towards for a long time.

Gordon was fighting hard to keep the Royal open, however to him Jill didn't seem bothered. She thought because the DHA had decided to let the hospital close, then that was it.

Her defeatist attitude was proving worrying. He knew she was hormonal, but this was out of character for her. She'd never turned down a fight before. So why now? When the hospital needed her more than ever??

It was almost like she didn't care. Not caring about the hospital that was like her second home.

It was where she met Gordon, the staff who saved him after that car crash which nearly cost him his life.

The same place she'd had so many laughs, shared tears, said goodbyes. Made so many memories here.

So understandably her decision to leave was a surprise. A nasty one at that. A choice that was out of character, almost like she was being forced.

Was it Adam didn't want her back after the birth of their child?

Did Adam see her as a liability or an embarrassment? A working mother carrying on as a fully functioning GP… unheard of in his world. Unheard of and unseen.

After work, Jill explained her reasons. Gordon his. Then she realised.

It was Adam's cunning plan. Get Jill out, and maybe, just maybe, Gordon will follow. Without them the hospital really will fall into disrepair, and close as a result. He had it all planned.

Jill, in Adam's eyes, was the weak link. Knowing full well she would take a couple of months off, he saw it as the perfect opportunity to get rid.

She was embarrassed, and promised Gordon she'd turn down the offer. Hearing his theory made Jill realise he was indeed right, and she had been a victim of Adam's plan to shut down The Royal.

After apologizing, she vowed to help in the fight against Adam and the DHA, giving Gordon the much needed hope he was after.

Noone knew how hard they'd have to fight, but, now with Jill's backing, Adam had a new enemy. One who he failed to palm off.

The Royal would stay open forever.


	10. In a broken dream

In a broken dream::

Comment:: Inspired by Julian Ovenden's song , In a broken dream.

Jill/Gordon centered.

He'd been pacing the halls for sometime, wondering what to do for the best. His beloved wife, who 24 hours earlier was laughing, chatting and working, was now lying unconscious, in a strange place (to her anyway). Completely unaware of what happened in the last 12 hours.

He had noone to discuss his predicament with. With time not on his side, he felt completely alone, hidden away from the world, left alone with his thoughts, knowing that his decision, ultimately would shape the future for them, changing everything life had to offer.

He went in a small room, full of hope, heading straight over to the small plastic cot in the corner, where he saw the newest addition to the Ormerod family, only Jill had no idea she was there. The tiny baby lay there, her eyes firmly shut, her chest rising and falling quicker than he could've possibly imagined. The bright lights were reflecting in her eyes, her small body littered with tubes, wires and needles delivering the essentials. She wasn't ready for the world, not really. However without her mum, she too had a fight on her hands. Complete with a poor prognosis, Gordon was divided.

He couldn't bring himself to leave, yet he knew Jill needed him aswell, now more than ever. Dividing his time between them was hard, especially if they both needed him at the same time.

He hadn't slept, wondering backwards and forwards between the two rooms, each with a different set of doctors and nurses, both bombarding him with information. They knew Gordon was a doctor. He knew the science. He knew the prognosis, luckily Jill's was good, albeit a long and slow recovery, but there was some hope, yet he feared for their daughter, who, at 29 weeks wasn't ready for the world, she wasn't developed enough and entirely dependant on all those around her. It would be weeks, if not months before she could face the world. Gordon wasn't so sure.

He couldn't ask Jill for advice, or hold her hand and do it together. He, for the first time in years, was completely alone. A nightmare that he simply couldn't wake from.

It was seeing his daughter, so fragile and small. She weighed less than a bag of sugar, and fitted neatly into the palm of his hand. She'd never met her mother, who was lying in a room, completely unaware of her existence. Gordon had told her, but he was unsure if she knew or not.

He yearned for them to meet, even if it was for a brief moment. The bond between a mother and daughter is a special one, one they'd have forever. Jill thought she had more time.

Time, as the 3 of them knew, was precious and once it's gone, it's very hard to get back.


	11. It hurts to say Goodbye

It hurts to say goodbye.

A/N :: written after S8 ep 12. For fic purposes Gordon died. I killed Jill in a previous fic, and we never actually found out if Gordon lived or not.

Fathers day. The one day the entire Ormerod house had been dreading. The amount of publicity it was getting, the cards, people spending time with their fathers.

Only for them, it was different. For their father was cruelly taken just a few months earlier. The desperate fight to save him, was in vain. To some it looked like he'd given up, having fought of death once before, and scraping through.

He wasn't so lucky this time.

So, the dreaded fathers day had arrived. There were a couple of cards, still sitting in their envelopes, waiting to be taken to his final resting place, where they'd sit until they too were claimed by mother nature, among the flowers, messages, where somehow Gordon would know how missed he really was.

She wasn't coping. Today of all days. The two eldest had almost become her carers, Jonathon and Aisling being cared for by relatives, friends and neighbours. The house still smelled like him, his bottle of whiskey still unopened, as were his birthday presents, neatly wrapped.

No-one had dared mention fathers day. For fear of what would happen, their mother's health already in a delicate state. The children were becoming good at caring for her, acting much older than their years.

The house was quiet, curtains were drawn, plates still unwashed from the night before. The house looked unkempt, the once house proud mother now a wreck, too proud to ask for help.

For he was her rock, the other half to the once stable and reliable family which thrived under their care.

The family that was now falling apart around her, unable to care for herself, let alone 4 children.

She needed him more than ever, and it hadn't sunk in that he was gone. So, sitting down with a pen and paper, she began to write::

_My darling Gordon._

_Happy Fathers day. I can't put into words just how much I need you, how much I miss you. _

_Wish you were here, I'm falling apart, I can't cope. I need you to tell me what to do, _

_Speak soon, Love you more than I can say,_

_Jill._


End file.
